I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
