he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
