saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
