remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
