Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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