i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
