i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
