I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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