there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
