Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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