So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break