you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
why do cheetos always look like penises
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER