John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
