my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
