I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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