Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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