I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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