My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
