Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
