I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
