I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
