I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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