If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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