someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
