I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
