Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
