I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
