I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
