SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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