I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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