Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
