Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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