it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
