His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
