My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
