i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
