I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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