this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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