She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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