It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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