Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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