Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
