My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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