apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
