I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
