TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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