I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My nipple is on Facebook.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
