The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
