I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
