So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
