you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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