I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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