Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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