Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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