News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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