yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
