dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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