I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You ruined the universe
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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