I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Im part way to drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
