So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
