My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If that was your dad, he is hot
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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