Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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