FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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