I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
