i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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