I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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